Lynch generally had an interest in casting relatively unknown actors for his movies; he saw something in them no one else did. Even if the casting director would object and say, ''I don't think this person can act'', Lynch would end up picking them if he had a good feeling.

Mulholland Drive was no exception, Lynch invited an unknown actress to audition. With few offers coming her way and a lack of self-confidence, she was shocked to be even considered. After only a brief exchange Lynch thought, ''She's perfect, she can do it''.

Although the casting director and the actress herself didn't see it, Lynch saw something in her that made her perfect for the role. He had his Betty.

That unknown actress was Naomi Watts, who since has grown to have an extremely successful Hollywood career.

What did David Lynch see in this unknown actress? And most importantly, what did he do to bring out the potential that others, even Naomi Watts herself, were completely blind to?

Transforming Naomi Watts

David Lynch had an incredible ability to get a sense if someone was the right person for a role. As an unknown actress, Naomi Watts had been auditioning for 10 years with no breaks; each rejection deepening her wounds and creating feelings of desperation. This was the character Lynch was looking for; an aspiring actress struggling to make sense of the traumatic events transpiring around her.

Watts' life story essentially matched Betty's character, which Lynch was able to recognize from the start.

As the audition went along, Watts was nervous and unsure what to make of it. She even stopped herself and asked if Lynch really wanted to hear about her story. But his eyes lit up with interest and beaming with light he exclaimed, ''Yes, tell me the story!''. Watts was shocked. She felt like they were two equals and someone was interested in her. That hadn't happened before.

''I had no faith in my ability at that point and my self-esteem was at an all time low. I did walk out with the sense that something great had happened, and I was grateful for the experience.''

By being genuinely interested in her, he made her feel comfortable enough to open up and be herself, and left her feeling valued.

Later when the production had begun, they had to film a graphic scene. ''How do you masturbate in front of an entire film crew?'' Watts thought anxiously, which led her to develop intense stomach problems. Unable to handle the pressure she pleaded, ''I can't do this, David, I can't do it!'', and tried to postpone the scene for another day. He wanted angry desperation and intensity, so he knew she had it in her. All she needed to do was to go through with the scene. ''No, Naomi, you can do it'', Lynch reassured and gently pushed her, giving her space to take her time.

Although she was frustrated, Lynch was able to take her to a place she hadn't been, and produce a once-in-a-lifetime performance.

After Mulholland Drive premiered in May 2001 at Cannes to critical acclaim, Naomi Watts' life was never the same again.

''It was all because of David. He literally changed my life. [...] David is just one of a kind. He loves actors, and you trust him and want to give anything and everything to him, and you want to please him. He radiates good energy and I always feel well taken care of when I'm with him.''

Potential, Caring and Growth

This story is not unique to Naomi Watts. In fact, her story is the rule and not the exception. From his earliest days of filmmaking until the end, Lynch repeated a pattern with everyone he met:

He saw potential where no one else could

It didn't matter who you were; a world famous actor or one of the film crew, Lynch saw something in people that made them perfect for a particular role.

''David works from his gut and it's all intuition, and he can get a great performance out of anyone,'' Watts explained. ''Sometimes he'll turn to someone in his crew and say, 'Here, put this costume on,' and next thing they know they're speaking pages of dialogue.''

He took care of the people around him

Lynch's love, compassion and caring extended to everyone.

''I remember thinking, If I only ever work for one director, this is the person I want to work for,'' script supervisor Cori Glazer said of Lynch. ''I fell in love with his creativity, and he's got the hugest heart of anyone I know. [...] He's always cheerful, at the end of the day he thanks people, and he knows everyone's name on the crew, down to the lowliest PA. If one of them brings him a cup of coffee he'll look them in the eye and say, 'Thank you, Johnny, thank you so much.' ''

And pushed them to grow and reach their potential

In the TV series Twin Peaks, Grace Zabriskie plays a grief-stricken wife who needs to put in an extremely emotional performance. In one scene, Lynch wasn't getting the performance he was looking for, so he continued insisting on another take. ''I went over the top seventeen takes ago!'', she snapped. Despite her frustration, Lynch knew she had a deeper performance to give, and wanted the actress to reach that potential. By gently asking if she had another one in her, he finally got her there.

''You don't realize how much you're withholding until you work with someone who doesn't want you to hold back'', Zabriskie recalled.

David Lynch was beloved by many. Everyone he crossed paths with had something overwhelmingly positive to say about him, even thought he pushed them at times. He didn't behave in a certain way to get praise or attention. He simply believed in people, treated them with love, and they loved him back.

What made him a great director of movies was the fact that he was, first and foremost, a great director of people.

The Lynch Method

If you want to have a positive impact on the people around you, follow David Lynch's example:

See the potential in everyone

Everyone has something to offer. Even if others don't see it or they don't see it themselves. The most impactful thing you can do to someone's life is to notice what their potential is.

Because there's always something there.

Take care of the people around you

Whether it's someone under your wing or not, try to do the best you can for them. Help them, support them, make them feel valued.

Once they feel safe and taken care of, you have room to nudge them forward.

Gently push them to grow

Seeing potential and making people feel valued isn't enough. Most of the time people need a push to grow. That doesn't mean making them suffer, but it does mean challenging them; setting a higher standard and not giving up on them until they reach what you think they're capable of.

By doing so, you'll help the people around you grow in ways that they never imagined, and do things they didn't know they were capable of doing.

Where other people see a block of marble, try to see the sculpture hiding underneath. And understand that all it needs is a bit of chiselling.

Details about the events, quotes and excerpts are from Room to Dream, David Lynch's memoir with Kristine McKenna.

Footnotes

Kyle MacLachlan's friendship with David Lynch. Kyle MacLachlan Mourns David Lynch: 'I Owe My Entire Career, and Life Really, to His Vision', by Rachel Raposas (January 16, 2025)

David Lynch's impact on the people he worked with. My friend David Lynch, by Ariana Morgenstern (January 16, 2025)

Naomi Watts' life turned around after meeting David Lynch. Naomi Watts Remembers Her Friend David Lynch, video by LiveKellyandMark (January 21, 2025)

Naomi Watts remembers her time with David Lynch during Mulholland Drive. Naomi Watts Says ‘Mulholland Drive’ Director David Lynch “Put Me On The Map”, by Anthony D'Alessandro (January 16, 2025)

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Matthieu

I'm not one of those people who has been journaling and writing short stories since they were a kid. In fact, the last time I wrote something longer than an email was during my university years, and that was a decade ago. The reason I started my website and newsletter is not because writing feels natural and easy, but because I want to share the years of knowledge I've gathered that has helped me, and is not currently helping anyone while stuck inside my head.

As a new writer I've often found myself in a creative rut. I'm ashamed to think of the countless days I've wasted. Whether due to procrastination, distracting myself with other busybody work, or any reason that has made it difficult to just sit down and start typing (in fact, I'm supposed to be working on my next article about David Lynch's memoir, but here I am...).

Just like everyone else, I've ''searched'' the internet for answers. And what easier form of answer is there than watching YouTube videos? Hence it's not a surprise why my feed is overflowing with videos titled 'If you're ambitious but lazy, watch this!'. That type of content is extremely hit and miss. Sometimes you find genuine inspiration, but most of the time you feel motivated for a grand total of 30 seconds.

About an hour before I wrote this article, I watched one of the aforementioned videos, this one titled If You’re Creative But Lazy, Please Watch This. I needed something to accompany my instant noodles (ironically as I'd been too lazy to cook anything), so I said what the heck.

The video essay is from Luc Forsyth, a photographer turned documentary filmmaker. Compared to other similar videos, I honestly liked this one. He actually demonstrated how he got out of his creative rut, through the use of his photographs and film. It felt genuine.

But the purpose of this article is not about creativity, how to get out of a rut, nor about the video itself.

There was a brief 10-second segment that I found very interesting, and worth sharing.

Around the 4:00 minute mark, Luc talks about sinking his life savings into a creative workshop with a photographer as a last resort to break free from his laziness cycle.

''On the first day of the workshop I was all set to sit down and have these deep talks about the industry and which editors I should reach out to first, which we did for a little bit, but pretty soon he realized what the issue was. So he told me to go get my camera and then we jumped in a rickshaw, this was in Bangladesh, and we went into the old city and just started shooting. At first I didn't know what to do so I just kinda followed him around and eventually felt a bit silly and started taking pictures too, even though it was awkward.''

What I found fascinating is that the photographer friend didn't necessarily tell Luc what to do. He just started taking photos, which lead Luc to follow suit.

Over the next few hours, Luc took a staggering 700 photos. He didn’t learn about photography or planning his projects. Instead he learned about taking action.

''When the workshop ended 10 days later, I stayed behind in Dhaka and kept doing the same thing, but by myself. It wasn’t comfortable, or fun really, but I was doing the thing. And after weeks of that, I felt like a totally different person.''

The message here is that sometimes you don't need to tell someone what to do in order to get them to do it. Just by doing the thing yourself, it might naturally inspire the other person to join in.

If you find yourself in a position where you want to help a friend, coworker, or your partner, try this approach instead of telling them what to do. Start by doing it yourself and invite them along. They might follow you around and fumble, but after a little while they might just find the momentum to get going all by themselves.

Sometimes silent action is the most powerful tool you can use.

So thank you Luc Forsyth for inspiring me to write this article, without even needing to tell me.

Thanks very much for reading!

If you have any feedback, ideas, suggestions, things I can improve, anything at all, please let me know!

Heck, if there’s something I can help you with, I’ll try my best!

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Matthieu

On April 12th 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. was arrested for the 13th time. He and many others were taking part in nonviolent demonstrations against racial segregation and economic injustice in Birmingham, Alabama. He was taken to the Birmingham jail and placed in a cell in solitary confinement.

The morning after would be one that he would never forget. Someone slipped him a newspaper under his cell door, on which he found an announcement. Eight clergymen from all the major religions in the United States were urging him to stop the demonstrations, calling them unlawful and extremist.

King became so frustrated with what he read that he began writing an answer without a moment's notice. With nothing to write on, he began on the margins of the newspaper and continued on scraps of paper that he was able to gather with the help of some others.

His reply, dated April 16 1963, would later be famously known as the ''Letter from Birmingham Jail''.

Despite his indignation, he began the letter by giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Since I feel that you are men of genuine goodwill and that your criticisms are sincerely set forth, I want to try to answer your statements in what I hope will be patient and reasonable terms.

Throughout, King maintained a staunch position defending his belief in their movement for racial justice through nonviolence resistance.

One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one had a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. I would agree with St. Augustine that ''an unjust law is no law at all.''

He then concluded the 7000-word letter by extending a hand of friendship.

I hope this letter finds you strong in faith. I also hope that circumstances will soon make it possible for me to meet each of you, not as an integrationist or a civil rights leader, but as a fellow clergyman and a Christian brother.

Despite being unjustly arrested, stripped of his rights, shut in a cell alone, and then reading a messages from important religious figures condemning him and his movement, King found it in himself to be courteous, holding strongly to his beliefs, and expressing love and hope.

Even in the worst of circumstances, Martin Luther King Jr. held strongly to his values of nonviolence.

Details and excerpts are from Letter from Birmingham Jail, by Martin Luther King Jr..

Thanks very much for reading!

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Matthieu

Within seconds, a man leaped up from the 6th row seat and climbed on stage. Before anyone realized what was happening, the man surged towards King and landed a sharp hook across King's jaw. At 188cm (6ft 2) the assailant sent King, 175cm (5ft 9), staggering.

King then dropped his arms and stood still, allowing the man to land another punch on his neck. Momentarily confused by King's reaction, he stood standing there in surprise. This split second break gave enough time for King's associates to rush and grab the man. The audience was now in an uproar, trying to push forward.

In all the chaos and himself shaken, King yelled ''Don't touch him! We have to pray for him.''

Once things had calmed down a bit, he approached the man and started quietly talking to him, and kept talking to him as he was led off the stage. When they reached backstage, King bought the man a soft drink to help him cool down. He wanted to know why the man was there, so he asked, ''Why did you want to hit me?''. They sat together and talked for 10 minutes.

The man was 24-year-old Roy James, a member of the American Nazi Party.

By now the police had arrived and were taking James away. King approached them and explained that he did not want to press charges. Later that day, both King and James were taken to a local city court. King told the judge, Charles H. Brown, that he was not going to file a complaint.

James' sentence was 30 days in the city jail and a $25 fine.

Civil rights activist Rosa Parks was in the crowd that day. ''That, for many of us,'' Parks would express, ''was proof that Dr. King believed so completely in nonviolence that it was even stronger than his instinct to protect himself from attack''.

Discovering Nonviolence

It is better to be the recipient of violence than the inflictor of it, since the latter only multiplies the existence of violence and bitterness in the universe, while the former may develop a sense of shame in the opponent, and thereby bring a transformation and change of heart

Martin Luther King Jr. was born on January 15th, 1929, to a long line of preachers, all the way from his father, grandfather and great-grandfather.

As a young child, King had a white playmate with whom he would play childhood games. One day when he was 6 years old, the boy's father demanded that they no longer play together. This was the first time he became aware of racial issues. The incident shocked him so deeply that from that moment on, he was determined to hate every white person.

In 1944, at the age of 15, King began his freshman year at Morehouse college. There he read Henry David Thoreau's essay ''On Civil Disobedience'', where he was exposed to the idea of nonviolent resistance for the first time. During those years he also joined an organization for racial justice. The group was racially mixed, and as he spent more time with white Americans, his attitude towards them softened.

Four years later, in 1948, King enrolled at Crozer Theological Seminary. His passion for reading continued, and his philosophical ideas continued to sway back and forth, although he developed a great sense of nuance. By this time, he had slowly lost hope in the power of love to solve racial issues. He began to believe that the only way to solve the problem of segregation was through armed revolt.

One Sunday afternoon, King travelled to nearby Philadelphia to attend a sermon by Dr. Mordecai Johnson. Dr. Johnson had returned from a trip in India, where he had learned about the life of Mahatma Gandhi. King left the meeting with a feeling so profound that he became absorbed by Gandhi's philosophy. The more he read, the more his belief in the power of love grew, and he finally saw its potential for social change.

The revelation had struck him, ''it was in this Gandhian emphasis on love and nonviolence that I discovered the method for social reform that I had been seeking''.

''Love our Enemies''

One night at a mass meeting, I found myself saying: ''If one day you find me sprawled out dead, I do not want you to retaliate with a single act of violence. I urge you to continue protesting with the same dignity and discipline you have shown so far''

Upon completing his theological studies, King and his wife, Coretta, decided that they had a moral obligation to return to the south. Despite the racial tension and sacrifices they would have to make, it was where King could have the strongest impact to tackle racial issues. So by the end of 1954, they had settled into Alabama, and King began his work as a pastor at the Dexter Avenue Baptist Church.

The following years would be strenuous for King and his family. Due to his work in pushing for racial equality, he would be continuously harassed, mistreated and arrested.

One ordinary morning, on January 30th, 1956, King left his house to attend a mass meeting at the First Baptist Church. During the meeting, the people in the crowd seemed uneasy. They would look at him then look away. King noticed several of his ministers rushing in and out of the church, and he knew something was wrong. Unable to keep his worries aside, he asked his closest friends what had happened. He was prepared for the worst.

''Your house has been bombed.'' Ralph Abernathy told him hesitantly.

Moments after receiving the devastating news, King addressed the crowd at the meeting. Calmly he urged ''each person to go straight home [...] and adhere strictly to our philosophy of nonviolence.''

Immediately after he was driven home. A crowd of hundreds had already gathered there along with policemen attempting to keep things under control. As he walked up to his house, he observed many people were armed and calling for violence. The first thing he did was to rush indoors and check on his wife Coretta and daughter Yolanda. They were both safe.

With tensions rising by the minute, King went outside and addressed the angry crowd. ''We believe in law and order,'' he quietly began, ''Don't get panicky. Don't do anything panicky at all. Don't get your weapons. He who lives by the sword will perish by the sword. Remember that is what God said. We are not advocating violence. We want to love our enemies. I want you to love our enemies. Be good to them. Love them and let them know you love them.''

He then looked over the crowd and saw a shift in the atmosphere. Voices shouted ''Amen'' and ''We are with you all the way, Reverend''. Many people had tears on their faces.

The crowd later dispersed without incident.

The Power of Forgiveness

To believe in nonviolence does not mean that violence will not be inflicted upon you. The believer in nonviolence is the person who will willingly allow himself to be the victim of violence but will never inflict violence upon another. He lives by the conviction that through his suffering and cross bearing, the social situation may be redeemed

Martin Luther King Jr. was at the Harlem department store on a Saturday afternoon in 1958. He was surrounded by a group of hundreds of people, all waiting to get an autograph for his book about the Montgomery bus boycott, Stride Towards Freedom.

''Are you Martin Luther King?'', an old woman from the crowd asked.

''Yes.'' King replied, thinking nothing of it.

Suddenly, he felt a sharp pressure on his chest. He had just been stabbed.

King was immediately rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery, where his whole chest had to be opened up to extract the blade.

The chief of surgery told King after the operation that the blade had been touching his aorta. ''If you had sneezed during all those hours of waiting,'' Dr. Aubrey Maynard explained, ''your aorta would have been punctured and you would have drowned in your own blood.''

The assailant was 42-year-old Izola Ware Curry, a woman suffering from delusions and schizophrenia. After being arrested at the scene, she was also found to be carrying a loaded gun.

Although the road to recovery was long and slow, King's faith in nonviolence was not shaken, if anything, after reflecting on the incident his resolve only grew stronger.

Five weeks later, King was well enough to return to his home in Montgomery. Upon arrival, a crowd of friends and supporters were waiting for him. The first thing he expressed was that he held no ill will toward the woman who had tried to take his life.

He expressed sympathetically, ''I am deeply sorry that a deranged woman should have injured herself in seeking to injure me. I can say, in all sincerity, that I bear no bitterness toward her and I have felt no resentment from the sad moment that the experience occurred. I know that we want her to receive the necessary treatment so that she may become a constructive citizen in an integrated society where a disorganized personality need not become a menace to any man.''

Practicing What You Preach

Martin Luther King Jr. lived a burdensome life in his pursuit for racial justice. He was harassed daily, arrested countless times, stripped of his rights, house bombed, and multiple attempts made on his life. The same hardships were lived by his friends, family and supporters of the movement.

With such a heavy burden on his shoulders, there were times when King's resolution wavered. He doubted himself. He wanted to give up. But he always found the strength to come back to what he believed in: nonviolence.

Since first crossing paths with nonviolent resistance from Gandhi's movement in India, King was convinced this was the right way to change society. In all of his sermons and speeches, regardless of the circumstances, he always preached nonviolence.

But more importantly, he also lived it.

When he was assaulted on stage by Roy James, he could have fought back as self-defence.

He could have hired bodyguards or armed himself after the bombing of his home.

He could have been angry at Mrs. Curry for gravely injuring him.

But instead he stuck to his principles. He didn't retaliate. He didn't become overly defensive. He didn't sink to hatred. He chose to forgive.

He practiced what he preached.

Taking Your Own Advice

The expression ''Do as I say, not as I do'' might come to mind when you notice someone that does not follow the standards that they're asking others to abide by.

That tends to happen since giving advice is easy. Everyone does it, and usually with good intentions. However, few people actually follow their own advice, because it's so much harder to do.

I know the advice you have to offer is valuable. So if you want to have a positive impact on the world, and have people listen to what you have to say, you need to practice what you preach.

Do the things yourself that you tell others to do. No matter how hard it is.

If you can't follow your own rules, how do you expect others to?

Post Script

On April 12th 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. was arrested for the 13th time. While in a cell in solitary confinement, he would write his famous 7000-word letter ''Letter from Birmingham Jail''.

Even in the worst of circumstances, King held strongly to his values of nonviolence, and found it in himself to express love and hope.

You can read a more detailed account of the story behind his letter in my mini article, Sticking to your Values.

Details about the events, quotes and excerpts are from The Autobiography of Martin Luther King, Jr., edited by Clayborne Carson.

Footnotes

Details on the continuous aggression and difficulties King faced throughout the years. A Man for This Season, by David Pilgrim (2000)

The morning when King was assaulted on stage by Roy James. When a Nazi punched Dr. King, NY Daily News (January 18, 2021)

The events surrounding King's attempted assassination by Izola Curry. Curry, Izola Ware, King Institute (March 7, 2015)

King's speech to friends and supports after his return home from the hospital. Statement Upon Return to Montgomery, King Institute (October 24, 1958)

Thanks very much for reading!

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Matthieu

Captain Raoul de Beaudéan was commanding the massive 241m (791ft) French passenger ship Île de France, which left New York Harbor on the same day as the Swedish passenger liner Stockholm, and was on its way back to its home port, Le Havre in France.

Upon hearing about the collision of the Andrea Doria, de Beaudéan was skeptical that such a modern ship could be in such distress. Having to turn his ship around to check on the Doria's situation would mean an additional return to New York to refuel, delaying passengers and causing a financial shock to the French Line. He was unable to reach the Andrea Doria, but ended up contacting the Stockholm and Cape Ann, where he learned that the lives of 1600 people were at peril.

He immediately turned the Île de France around and set a direct course for the Andrea Doria.

It took de Beadéan three hours to reach the scene of the accident, where he was then able to position his ship beside the Doria, navigating the damaged ships, other vessels, lifeboats and people in the water. He ordered all of the exterior lights of Île de France to be turned on, which provided incredible emotional relief to everyone at the scene.

The Île de France went on to rescue the majority of the remaining Doria passengers by sending their own lifeboats back and forth, as well as receiving any of the lifeboats from the surrounding areas and ships.

Upon arriving on the Île de France, passengers gave up their cabins to survivors, as well as showing many other acts of kindness.

The decision of Captain Raoul de Beaudéan, who prioritized the lives of people instead of profits for his company, was one of the reasons why all 1660 passengers were safely rescued.

Thanks very much for reading!

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Matthieu

As they approached the island, the captain turned off the ship's alarm on the navigation system. He felt confident as he had sailed there several times before. "I was navigating by sight, because I knew those seabeds well,'' he rationalized.

The ship crept closer and closer to the island. Around 22:00 PM, it was a mere 300 meters from shore.

All of a sudden, a thundering bang resonated throughout the ship. Everything shook violently, sending dishes crashing on the floor. In a panic people started running, and unable to keep their balance, were falling down the stairs. When things seemed like they couldn't get worse, the entire ship suddenly began tilting to the left. It was like a scene from the movie Titanic.

The Costa Concordia had just violently struck a rock formation on the sea floor, causing a 36.5m (120ft) tear in it's hull. The ship was now slowly sinking. Within a few minutes the generators and engines were submerged, leading to widespread electrical failure.

Despite the severity of the situation, port authorities were only notified an hour later, and the order to evacuate was given after that. A mere 40 minutes later, the ship's captain, Francesco Schettino, fled on a lifeboat, leaving 300 passengers onboard to fend for themselves.

Tragically, 27 passengers and 5 crew members lost their lives.

''Captain Coward''

Many things went wrong during that fateful evening, but ultimately it was the failure of the captain that turned a terrible situation into a tragedy. His actions, before, during and after the incident are unfortunate examples of how a leader should not act in pressing circumstances. It's also a warning of how a single person's behaviour and decisions can have such a strong impact on the outcome of a situation.

Costa Concordia's journey began from the port of Civitavecchia, Italy, at 19:20, where 3,206 passengers boarded. Among those were 600 passengers (almost 20%) who did not receive the mandatory lifeboat evacuation drill, as they had embarked just hours before departure.

During the next two hours, guests settled into their cabins and gathered at the dinning hall to enjoy the first dinner of their seven-day cruise. They were blissfully unaware that at 21:10, their captain had decided to deviate from the planned route (possibly to impress a dancer with whom he was having an affair), and turned off the alarms due to overconfidence in himself. Despite choosing to ''navigate by sight'', Schettino had left his glasses in his cabin, having to repeatedly ask the ship's first officer, Ciro Ambrosio, to check the radar for him.

Schettino did have previous experience performing a sail-past salute on the Island, and a year earlier the ship had been approved to do so. However, it was during daylight and they passed 8 km (5mi) from shore.

This time however it was late at night with less than ideal visibility, with the captain distracted and a mere 300 meters (980 ft) from shore, disaster was inevitable. So at 21:42, the ship struck the reef, leading to widespread panic. Despite the monstrous shake, loss of lights and the ground slowly tiling to one side, passengers were told everything was ok and under control. Some crew members went as far as announcing that ''we have solved the problems we had and invite everyone to return to their cabins."

Passengers were terrified and the crew were dazed. It took a half hour for the first contact to be made, where at 22:12 an officer informed the port that their only issue was from an electrical black-out due to problems with the electrical generator. Minutes later at 22:20, a patrol boat tried to reach the Costa Concordia but no one answered. All the while, Schettino had made several calls with the cruise line's crisis management officer.

Only at 22:42, a full hour after the initial impact that the port authorities are informed of the gravity of the situation. Finally at 22:50, after 8 agonizingly long minutes, the order for evacuation was announced. However, things only continued to get worse. Some crew members resisted lowering the lifeboats, making passengers wait up to 45 minutes, leading some people to jump off the ship in an attempt to swim to shore.

At 23:30, by the time those same passengers were finally able to board the lifeboats, Schettino was already safely escaping. He claimed to have accidentally fallen into a lifeboat. While on his way to safety, the Coast Guard captain, Gregorio de Falco, urged him to go back to his ship. But stalling and excuses from Schettino infuriated him, causing him to snap and yell "Vada a bordo, cazzo!'' ("Get the fuck [back] on board!"). Schettino claimed that it was too dark and he couldn't go back. These calls went back and forth until 01:46.

Schettino never returned to the ship, and was one of the first people to reach land.

Soon after a Giglio police officer found him and offered a boat to get him back, but Schettino declined. The officer noted that Schettino was dry, despite claiming to have fallen off the ship. Later, Schettino found a nearby hotel where he hid.

It should be noted that despite Schettino's failures, many crew members stepped up to do the right thing. In a case of mutiny, long before the evacuation was ordered, they were already lowering lifeboats and leading passengers out of their cabins.

Unlike the captain, they stayed until the end.

The Captain Goes Down with the Ship

On the morning of 17th of July 1956, the SS Andrea Doria set out on a typical crossing of the North Atlantic. Starting it's journey in Genoa Italy, it was headed to it's final destination in New York. The ship was booked to 90% of it's capacity, with a total of 1706 passengers and crew.

Eight days later, on Wednesday 25th of July, the Swedish passenger liner Stockholm departed from New York Harbour to cross the Atlantic, headed to her home port of Gothenburg in Sweden. The ship was booked mostly to capacity, with 534 passengers and crew. In order to save time, the Stockholm changed it's course placing it directly in the path of westward traffic coming towards New York.

As the cold Labrador Current encounters the warmer Gulf Stream, the waters around the North Atlantic tend to become frequently foggy. Both ships were travelling in dense fog and had taken the necessary precautions, but being aware of each other's presence only through radar.

Both ships were sailing at a combined speed of 74km/h (46mph), when all of a sudden, an Andrea Doria officer shouted, ''She’s coming right at us!''. By then it was too late, they were approaching each other head on. At 21:10, the ships collided.

They had misinterpreted each other's course on their radars.

The massive 12'165 ton, 120m, Stockholm rammed into the hull of the Andrea Doria, leaving a gaping hole in the side of the ship. Passengers abroad the Andrea Doria were thrown around from an incredible shake, and heard the deafening sound of metal shearing. The Andrea Doria immediately started taking on water and begun leaning heavily on it's side, so much so that half the lifeboats were unusable.

Despite the ensuing chaos and panic, remarkably all 1660 passengers and crew that survived the initial impact were successfully recused. The accident took the lives of 51 people (46 Andrea Doria, 5 Stockholm), who died directly due to the collision.

Both the sinking of the Andrea Doria and the Costa Concordia were tragic events. But despite similar circumstances, the Andrea Doria managed to save it's passengers and crew. What happened differently that led to a successful response to the emergency?

Immediately after the collision, the Andrea Doria sent an SOS call.

SOS DE ICEH [this is Andrea Doria] SOS HERE AT 0320 GMT LAT. 40.30 N 69.53 W NEED IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE

Within minutes, the ship leaned an extraordinary 20° and the captain, Piero Calamai, realized that the ship was doomed. ''Resigning himself as best he could … to the loss of his ship, Captain Calamai turned to saving the passengers.''¹

One of the officers on deck asked permission to sound the abandon-ship alarm, but Captain Calamai hesitated. Due to the severe leaning of the ship, half of the lifeboats were too high in the air, making them unlaunchable. On the other side of the ship, the lifeboats were too close to the water, launching them would be additionally complicated. He understood that once passengers discovered that there weren't enough lifeboats, the ensuing panic would cause more danger for everyone. Calamai decided not to not give out the order to abandon ship until help arrived.

Meanwhile, a loudspeaker announcement instructed passengers to put on lifebelts and head to the emergency stations.

Aware of the gravity of their situation, the Andrea Doria radioed:

''Here danger immediate. Need lifeboats—as many as possible—can’t use our lifeboats.''

Then, the decision to abandon ship was made. A mere 30 minutes after the impact.

Although the Stockholm was badly mangled, it was floating steadily and mostly safe. They began rescuing passengers from the Doria. Luckily the accident took place in a heavily travelled part of the Atlantic, and thus several vessels heard the Doria's distress calls and raced to the rescue. The first ship, a small freighter called the Cape Ann arrived at 00:30 am, followed by two American Navy ships, but they had few lifeboats between them. It was not until 02:00 am that the massive French ocean-liner SS Île de France arrived, positioning itself next to the Doria, lighting up the darkness with its floodlights and making rescue possible with its lifeboats.

As the rescue operations took effect, Calamai did his best to supervise the situation, keeping his crew organized and prioritizing the safety of his passengers. “Above all, he struggled to maintain the calm deliberateness that had marked his career, determined to set the mood for his fellow officers and crew”¹. However, some of the crew did not follow Calamai's example and rushed to the lifeboats. Not knowing how things would turn out and if he'd get another chance, Calamai told one of his officers, ''If you are saved, maybe you can reach Genoa and see my family. Tell them I did everything I could.''

It was only after when the evacuation was complete that Calamai turned his attention to his ship. He deliberated whether his ship could be towed to shallower water. But it was clear it would be impossible.

After a long night of arduous work, and making sure all the survivors had been properly evacuated to the rescue ships, only then did the remaining crew on the Doria begin to abandon ship. Captain Calamai was determined to go down with his ship, in order to take responsibility and atone for the disaster, but his crew refused to leave him behind. His officers conceived him to change his mind, and so at 06:00, Calamai reluctantly boarded the last lifeboat.

He made sure he was the last person off the ship.

By 09:45 the ship began to sink, and was under the ocean by 10:09.

A Coward and a Hero

Both are similar stories of tragedies, but with completely different reactions by their captains. It comes to show that the actions of one can lead to disaster, and actions of another can save lives.

Captain Francesco Schettino's case
Schettino failed as a captain and leader, before, during and after the events of the Costa Concordia sinking.

Firstly, it was his responsibility to make sure everyone on his ship has received adequate preparation in case of an emergency.

It's also unclear whether anyone on the bridge confronted Schettino on changing the route or turning off the alarm, but given the hierarchical culture of the naval industry, decisions from superiors are often gone unchallenged. An environment of rigid hierarchy is apparent as officers were afraid of contacting authorities, and downplaying the situation when they finally did. When an organization lacks trust, people's reactions are to try and ''fix'' problems by keeping them hidden.

A leader's role is to create an environment where subordinates can challenge their superiors, point out mistakes and not be punished for doing so. This was clearly not the case abroad the Costa Concordia.

Moreover, there was a lack of coordinated effort from the crew and officers, mostly because no one was in charge. A leader does not need need to micromanage everything, but they need to have everyone aligned. Are we abandoning-ship or not? Should passengers go to their cabins or wait at the emergency meeting points? When the objectives aren't clear and there's no communication, everyone has to scramble to figure out what to do, leading to additional chaos. It's the captain's responsibility to keep the crew organized and to have a clear mission.

Finally, a good leader puts others first before thinking of themselves. Schettino made the cardinal leadership mistake of trying to save his own skin first, before making sure everyone else was safe. This was an irredeemable action on his part.

Investigations began after the incident, leading Schettino to be placed under house arrest. The Italian media dubbed Schettino ''Captain Coward'', angering him, to which he retorted ''I'm a gentleman, not a coward''. In the years leading up to his trial, Schettino wrote and published the book Le verità sommerse (The submerged truths). The book was heavily criticized for trying to profit from the disaster, as well as an attempt by Schettino to improve his own image.

On 11th of February 2015, Francesco Schettino was sentenced to 16 years in prison, for manslaughter, causing the shipwreck, and abandoning his passengers.

Captain Piero Calamai's case
The Andrea Doreia's problems were not over after the accident, as litigation followed. Although it was agreed that the fog was the main culprit, nonetheless the Andrea Doria was found mainly culpable in the eyes of many. The Doria had not followed all the proper radar procedures, did not follow the rule that vessels approaching head-to-head should both turn right (Doria turned left to avoid a collision), and was sailing too fast for the foggy conditions.

Captain Calami didn't do everything perfectly. However, what's important is that he did his best during the emergency. Despite knowing that the accident was likely his fault, he did not fold under the pressure. His immediate priority was the safety of his passengers and crew. He did not let his human instinct of self-preservation get in the way of doing his duty.

He and his team quickly reached out for help, and worked together in a mostly coordinated way to aid in the rescue operations. These actions played a pivotal role in the successful rescue of all the surviving passengers.

In the end, no definitive cause for the accident was ever found, as an out of court settlement was reached.

After the Andea Doria incident, Piero Calamai retired and never accepted to command another ship. According to his daughter, he lived the rest of his life in sadness "as a man who has lost a son". He would go on to tell one of his friends that, "Before I used to love the sea. Now I hate it."

A month before Calamai's death, John C. Carrothers, a retired US naval engineer who had become a leading expert on naval collisions, wrote him a letter. He expressed his warm solidarity for the events that Calamai endured, and after 12 years was able to prove that the Stockholm had indeed been responsible. Carrothers ended the letter by stating, ''Rest assured Captain Calamai, there are many of us who would be more than willing to serve under your command at anytime". Unfortunately, Calamai would not get a chance to read the letter.

He died on April 7, 1972, at the age of 74, in his hometown of Genoa, Italy.

His last words were "Are all passengers safe?"

Making Your Actions Count

Very few people are the captains of ships. Even fewer people are the ones who end up being in charge during a disaster. However, there are still plenty of lessons we can learn from the stories of the Costa Concordia and Andrea Doria.

Mainly, about how to be a better person and leader.

When things get tough, there are two ways you can act. You can fold and only think about yourself. Or you can step up, regardless of your position or situation, and do the right thing.

The thing is, you don't have to be the one in charge to have a strong impact during a challenging situation. Helping others and putting them first (rather than worrying about yourself) makes you a leader by default.

The choice can be difficult and terrifying.

But by doing what's right, you will inspire others to do the same.

Post Script

During both the events of Costa Concordia and Andrea Doria, countless people's actions and efforts led to the successful rescue of the vast majority of passengers. Ships that were first on scene, emergency responders and rescue divers are to thank for the thousands of lives saved.

Another remarkable story needs to be highlighted about the actions of a captain, Raoul de Beaudéan. Prioritizing the lives of people instead of profits for his company was one of the reasons why all 1660 passengers were safely rescued.

You can read a more detailed account of his story in my mini article, Putting People Before Profits.

Footnotes

1. As described by Alvin Moscow in his book about the collision of the Andrea Doria and the Stockholm, Collision Course.

The retelling of the events of Andrea Doria by the survivor Pierette Domenica Simpson, who was 9 years old and travelling to America for the first time. The Night I Survived the Andrea Doria Shipwreck.

A full account of the events on July 25 1956. The Sinking of Andrea Doria.

An account of Captain Calamai's actions in response to the emergency. In Andrea Doria wreck, a captain who shone.

Thanks very much for reading!

If you have any feedback, ideas, suggestions, things I can improve, anything at all, please let me know!

Heck, if there’s something I can help you with, I’ll try my best!

Leave a comment below, reply to my notes, join the subscriber chat, reach out on Reddit or Bluesky, or send an E-mail!

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See ya next time!

Matthieu

''There are two girls around the other side, and if you want to go over there with them instead of being in a cell by yourself, I will take you there'', the matron told her. Parks responded it didn't matter. She felt resigned. The matron insisted, and took her to the other cell.

There were two African-American women in the other cell, one ignored Parks while the other asked what happened. She then stared sharing her own story. The man she was living with had struck her, so she took a hatchet and chased after him. He had her arrested. Although she had two brothers, she had not been able to get in touch with them. The only other person she knew was the man who assaulted her, and she did not want to be in contact with him. She was stuck in jail with no one to reach out to who could help. She'd been there for almost 60 days.

''I became interested in her story and wondered how I could assist her'', Parks thought.

Helping Others Helps You

Maybe the habit of protecting my little brother helped me learn to protect myself

Rosa Parks was born on February 4th, 1913 in Tuskegee Alabama. Growing up she was a sickly child and suffering from chronic tonsillitis had slowed her growth. She was delicate and quite small for her age. Around age 6 or 7, Parks had started work picking and chopping cotton in a nearby field. The workers had a saying that they ''worked from can to can't'', meaning they worked from when they could see with the sunrise, until they couldn't when the sun went down. Despite the hot sun and scorching ground, they usually didn't wear shoes. From this another expression emerged, ''Ain't nobody have shoes on but the hoss [horse] and the boss.''

Life for Rosa Parks, and other African-Americans during that period was unimaginably difficult. Despite her own struggles, Parks never thought twice about standing up for herself and others. She tells the story of when her grandma was going to punish her little brother by giving him a whipping, but she intervened saying, ''Grandma, don't whip brother. He's just a little baby and doesn't have no mama and no papa either.''

She was always very protective of her brother, getting whipped often for not telling on the things that he did.

Pushing Forward

At times I felt overwhelmed by all the violence and hatred, but there was nothing to do but keep going

Decades later in December 1943, Parks attended a meeting at the Montgomery branch of the NAACP, where she took up the job of secretary as a volunteer. At the time she was one of two women there. One of her main jobs there was to keep records of discrimination, unfair treatment or violence against African-Americans.

During this time she saw the extent of how bad things were, and how little recourse African-Americans had. ''We didn't have too many successes in getting justice. It was more a matter of trying to challenge the powers that be, and let it be known that we did not wish to continue being treated as second-class citizens.''

''You're Under Arrest''

Two policemen came. They got on the bus, and one of them asked me why I didn't stand up. I asked him, ''Why do you all push us around?'' He said to me, and I quote him exactly, ''I don't know, but the law is the law and you're under arrest.''

December 1st 1955 was just another regular day for Parks. She'd just got off from a busy day at work for the NAACP, and got on the Cleveland Avenue bus to head home. She sat in an empty seat in the middle of the bus, in the front seats of the Colored section.

The next stop was Empire Theatre, and the bus slowly filled up. Noticing that a white man was standing, the bus driver turned back and said, ''Let me have those front seats.''

Nobody moved.

He spoke again ''Y'all better make it light on yourselves and let me have those seats.''

Thinking back to the years of how she's been treated, Parks was finally tired of giving in. She remained seated. Noticing this, the driver asked her to stand up.

''No'', Parks replied.

''Well, I'm going to have you arrested.''

''You may do that.''

Helping Just One Person Matters

The one who spoke to me asked what had happened to me. I told her that I was arrested on the bus. She said, ''Some of those bus drivers sure are mean.''

After Parks had called her husband from the jail telephone, bail had been raised with the help of a friend. Meanwhile the women in the cell had found a piece of crumpled-up paper, where she wrote down the names and telephones numbers of her brothers. She told her to call them early in the morning, around 6 before they went to work. Parks said she would.

Just then, Parks was quickly rushed out of the cell before the woman could give her the paper. In a moment of quick thinking, the woman threw the paper down the stairs where it landed in front of her. Parks picked it up and put it in her pocket.

The first thing Parks did the morning after arriving from jail was to call the number that the women had written down. She was able to get in touch with one of the brothers and let him know what had happened to their sister.

Two days later, on her way on Dorsey Street to a meeting about boycotting the buses, she bumped into the woman. Parks didn't recognize her at first, as she was clean and dressed very nicely. Parks said, ''I'm glad to see you out''. As she was in a hurry, she forgot to ask for her name or number.

That was the only time she ever saw her.

The Importance of Putting Others First

Throughout her life, Rosa Parks displayed a characteristic that made her a true leader: the instinct to help someone else, regardless of her own circumstances.

When one thinks of a leader, the picture that often comes to mind is someone energetic and charismatic. A person who effortlessly addresses crowds of hundreds or thousands, and rallies them to push forward. One might think of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s ''I Have a Dream'' speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington in 1963.

But Rosa Parks' story is mostly the opposite.

After her December 1st 1955 bus arrest became a public case, Parks was invited to a meeting at the Holt Street Baptist Church, where crowds had gathered to hear news about the ongoing Montgomery bus boycott. Dr. King had newly been elected as the president of the Montgomery Improvement Associated and gave a rousing speech, challenging the listeners to continue protesting for their rights.

Parks was then introduced to the crowd. She felt she ''didn't feel any particular need to speak,'' so instead she sat and listened to the others.

As the civil rights movement continued to grow over the years, another issue had yet to be addressed: equal voting rights. In protest of the racial injustice in voting, Dr. King called for and organized a series of mass marches from Selma to Montgomery from March 7 - 25th 1965. Initially starting with 600 people, by the third and final march the group had swelled to over 25,000 people.

Parks took part in those marches, but found herself being put on the sidelines and told she wasn't supposed to be there. She recalled, ''Whenever they would put me out, I would stand on the sidelines until somebody would pass by and say, ''Mrs Parks, come on and get in the march''.'' She would inevitably join in again and struggled through the crowd until they finally made it to the Alabama State Capitol.

Parks didn't make it about her. She was there to support a cause and did her part.

What's significant about all these moments is it shows that a leader doesn't have to be the one at the front and center. Leadership isn't just about being in charge of large groups of people. As can be seen throughout Parks' life, unostentatious acts and helping individuals can have just as strong an impact.

It's also important to highlight that when Parks was helping someone, things were usually bad for her. But a true leader doesn't give up on others when times are tough for them, they make it a case to put their issues aside and make sure others are looked after.

When Parks was sent to jail she had every right to be angry, to close inwardly and ignore the people around her. But she didn't. Instead her reaction was to help another woman in need. It didn't matter who she was, if anyone was watching, or if she'd ever see her again. What mattered was that someone needed help and she could help. That's all that mattered, her own problems did not.

That's why Rosa Parks' story is so remarkable. There's so much to learn about having upstanding character and being an unconventional leader.

Take this lesson to heart, regardless of where you are in life. If you're in a position of direct leadership or not, if someone needs help, put aside your own problems and do everything in your power to help.

You will have made a substantial difference, even if you're only helping a single person.

Details about the events, quotes and excerpts are from My Story, Rosa Parks' autobiography.

Thanks very much for reading!

If you have any feedback, ideas, suggestions, things I can improve, anything at all, please let me know!

Heck, if there’s something I can help you with, I’ll try my best!

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Matthieu

‘‘Long story short I’ve had a little bit of a mental health crisis lately. I was not easy to understand or cooperative. I have a few memories of me in this state and I was absolutely foul to my local GP and the receptionist.

Would apologizing in a letter be appropriate? I’m not at all banned or anything I’m just feeling really guilty and my partner is telling me to let it go.’’

Yes, apologizing is the right thing to do. Here’s why and how to do it.

Doing Good to Others

Acting difficult during mental health issues is understandable, especially if you don’t have full control over yourself, emotions or thoughts. Although healthcare professionals are equipped to deal with challenging situations, that doesn’t mean they’re always unaffected.

Moreover, despite doing such vital work people rarely thank them or apologize for their actions.

That’s why seeing a thank you or apology can have such a strong impact.

It can make their jobs feel easier and worthwhile, uplift their state of mind and help them get through difficult times.

As multiple people working in healthcare commented:

‘‘GP receptionist here [...] Id be happy to receive such a letter’’.

‘‘I work in GP, and deal with a lot of mental health patients. […] It would be a lovely gesture if you did write a letter to the practice. Letters of appreciation really do go a long way.’’

‘‘My wife is a GP and she would love to get a polite letter of apology sometimes.’’

One user who was in a similar position wrote that it helped with their bond:

‘‘My apology was gratefully accepted and it helped strengthen our relationship.’’

At worst, an apology will go ignored. At best, it might brighten someone’s day or improve your relationship with them.

Writing an Apology

Knowing what to say and how to say it can be a challenge. That’s why it’s important to keep things short and sincere.

Start by acknowledging what you did and take responsibility for it. Even if it wasn’t entirely your fault, avoid blaming anyone else or making excuses.

Although an apology is a good start, what makes a big difference is adding a thank you as well. People are rarely thanked for doing the right thing, which is why doing so has a strong positive impact.

Putting those together, here’s what an apology could look like:

Dear…

I wanted to apologize for being so difficult during my visits. I hope you understand that I wasn’t in the right state of mind, and under usual circumstances I would never behave in such a way. However, I don’t want to make any excuses for my actions, I acted the way I did. Now that I’m in a better state of mind, I’ve been able to reflect on my behavior and I don’t feel proud of how I acted.

Therefore, I wanted to say sorry for being so difficult, and to thank both you and the receptionist for putting up with me. Thank you for your kindness, patience and professionalism during my time of struggle. I know you deal with a lot of patients, and have a very stressful job, and I probably didn’t make things easier. You didn’t deserve to be treated the way I did, and I’m extremely grateful that you continued to help me regardless.

I hope you have the courage and strength to continue helping people in need, regardless of their actions. I will not forget how you’ve helped me, and I will do my best to do better in the future.

Kind regards.

When in Doubt, Lean Towards an Apology

To anyone wondering if they should apologize for something they felt they did was wrong, the answer is also yes.

Whether you were:

• Impatient with a customer service rep over the phone

• Angry at a coworker for making a mistake

• Told your kids to be quiet a bit too aggressively

By choosing to apologize, you’re actively reflecting on your behavior and acknowledging that you did something wrong. This is a necessary step to learning and growing as a person, as well as a way to heal, and move past feelings of guilt or shame.

Just as importantly it will strengthen your relationship with the other person by rebuilding trust and respect.

Although it’s quite hard, try to say sorry in the moment. Otherwise the best thing you can do is to just go see them again, call back, write a letter or email.

Everyone makes mistakes. But not everyone owns up to them.

You’ll only be making things better for yourself and others.

Post Script

Just a simple reminder to everyone: don’t forget to thank your healthcare workers.

The work they do is incredibly difficult and indispensable.

So next time you’re at the doctor’s office, remember to say thank you on the way out!

Thanks very much for reading!

If you have any feedback, ideas, suggestions, things I can improve, anything at all, please let me know!

Heck, if there’s something I can help you with, I’ll try my best!

Leave a comment below, reply to my notes, join the subscriber chat, reach out on Reddit or Bluesky, or send an E-mail!

I’m always happy to keep in touch :)

Please share this article if you enjoyed reading it!

Share

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See ya next time!

Matthieu

As the waiter arrived at the next table, he noticed there were 5 dollar bills already laid out.

Before he could say anything, the patron began talking.

“See this? This is your tip. Every time you make a mistake or if my cup goes empty or if I have to ask for something twice, I take away a dollar. Simple concept, right?”

What followed was a masterclass in keeping cool and gracefully handling an unpleasant situation.

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

“Tell you what, sir. I want you to go ahead and pick that money up now and put it back in your pocket. I want you to enjoy your meal and not have to worry about constantly monitoring my performance. So if that means you don’t tip me, then so be it — it’s more important to me that you focus on your own experience.”

“Uh — well — I mean… no, it’s fine! I always do this! It’s not any extra work for —”

“No, sir. Please. Hold onto that money, I insist.”

“Okay… but that means no tip.”

“Yessir, I’m fully aware. It’s absolutely not an issue. What can I start you off with to drink tonight?”

He ordered an Iced Tea and chugged it as quickly as he got it. When the waiter came back with a refill, he was waiting with an empty cup in his hand.

“See there? That would have been a deduction.”

“Well then I guess I’m happy we decided not to play that game.”

Like a Deer in Headlights

The story above was shared by Reddit user How_that_convo_went in a post about tipping.

How he acted was the best possible approach to the situation. He kept his cool, smiled and maintained a good attitude. Whenever the patron tried to impose his way, he responded kindly yet firmly.

Why is this approach so much more effective then replying with the same negative tone?

Because it’s unexpected.

Most people who are habitually rude or angry are used to getting rude or angry responses.

When such a person doesn’t get the usual reaction, it’s disarming. They’re like a deer caught in headlights. They have a hard time processing what’s happening. Usually that brief moment will be enough to severely reduce someone’s state of anger. It also give you an opportunity to swoop in and prevent the other person from escalating. On top of that, most people will struggle to berate someone who is smiling and being nice to them.

It’s a useful approach to diffusing a situation, all the while avoiding getting angry yourself.

Fight With Kindness

You might not be a waiter/waitress, but you might find yourself in a position facing someone difficult. As a...

• Customer service rep listening to a short tempered caller

• Teacher facing upset parents

• Small business owner reading a rude online review

The worst thing you can possibly do is to react with the same negative tone. You’ll get angry, they’ll get more angry, and ultimately you’ll be the one losing.

Instead, try the following approach:

1. Take long deep breath (but not in front of the person)

2. Try to put on a genuine smile

3. Think to yourself: I will fight them with kindness

4. Act as pleasant, calm and kind as you can. Be careful not to talk down, infantilize or patronize the other person, which might make things worse.

5. If other person escalates, stand your ground. Be firm but keep doing what you’re doing. You can say the following: “I would very much like to help you, but could I ask you to slow down a bit?’’

It doesn’t seem intuitive, but being nice and helpful can be quite disarming. Without having to tell or ask, people will usually tone themselves down. After all, it’s hard being rude or angry when the person in front of you is treating you well.

You have a very powerful tool in your belt: kindness.

Use it to win your way.

Post Script

For those curious as to what happened with the waiter and the tip, here’s the conclusion to the story:

Anyways, I told the owner about it and he was livid. He told me to come get him at they were leaving— and I did. He went over and checked the table to confirm they didn’t tip and he caught up to them while they were leaving and told them they weren’t welcome back.

The dude BLEW UP. He was like “I OFFERED TO TIP HIM AND HE REFUSED IT!”

The owner told him that he wasn’t obliged to tip— but he wasn’t going to make his staff deal with some degrading game like that. Especially not for what would amount to a 7% tip.

It was a whole scene that culminated in the guy demanding that the owner give him the number for the “corporate office.” The owner explained that the restaurant wasn’t a franchise or chain— he was the owner and there was no one above him to complain to.

The guy goes “I don’t care! Give me the card of someone I can contact about this!”

The owner reaches into his pocket and gives him his business card. “Alright. Here’s my card. You can call that number there from 6AM to 4PM Tuesday through Friday and we can talk about this again. But you’re still not welcome back.”

The guy snatches the card and says “Fine, thank you!” and leaves. Just so happy that he got what he wanted that he didn’t even realize it was a meaningless victory.

Thanks very much for reading!

If you have any feedback, ideas, suggestions, things I can improve, anything at all, please let me know!

Heck, if there’s something I can help you with, I’ll try my best!

Leave a comment below, reply to my notes, join the subscriber chat, reach out on Reddit or Bluesky, or send an E-mail!

I’m always happy to keep in touch :)

Please share this article if you enjoyed reading it!

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See ya next time!

Matthieu

I was fairly certain this was not the case, as I remember this client specifically.

What followed was a re-fresher course on ignoring my initial thoughts, and choosing to act in the right way.

The Problem of Initial Reactions

When I received this email, I was a bit confused. For a moment I doubted myself. Am I misremembering? Did I actually not send them an invoice? First thing I checked was my bank transaction history. Yes, I had received the payment. Then I went through my emails. Yes again, I had a confirmation from the client. In fact, the confirmation was from the same person who wrote the new email.

Of course mistakes can happen, but I still felt a tad bit annoyed. Not just because it was the same person contacting me, but also that the email had a slight passive-aggressive tone.

‘‘You have not yet invoiced us from a year ago. Please do so promptly.’’

Why was I being put at fault when they should have double checked first? My initial reaction was to reply in the same tone, and the words started forming in my head...

‘‘I have already sent you the invoice from a year ago. Please check your files.’’

Thoughts, Actions & Existentialism

‘‘It’s what one does, and nothing else, that shows the stuff one's made of.’’

- Jean-Paul Sartre, No Exit

I always feel like a hypocrite when my mind reacts negatively.

Here I am, trying to write and teach others about behaving in better ways. And yet, I can’t react the way I think I should. But when that happens I always try to take a moment and remember that our thoughts don’t matter, our actions do.

This idea ties to Jean-Paul Sartre’s philosophy of existentialism, where he examined the notion that “existence precedes essence”. Sartre believed that humans do not have a predetermined nature (or essence), but instead they shape themselves through their choices and actions.

Sartre brought this idea to life in his existentialist play No Exit. One character (Garcin) argues that he is not a coward because that’s how he sees himself. The other (Inez) isn’t convinced, as she believes that it doesn’t matter what he thinks about himself, he is a coward because of his actions. Therefore, who you want to be is not who you think you are, but how you act.

With that in mind, I acted. Using ideas from my past articles about de-escalating a situation, and trying to be as helpful as possible, I wrote the following email:

Dear [Client],

Thank you very much for reaching out regarding the potential invoicing issue.

I couldn’t remember if I invoiced you or not, but I’ve double checked my files.

The invoice was submitted on [date], and I received a confirmation on [date]. I’ve included both of these files in the attachments. I can also confirm that the payment was successfully received in my account on [date].

Everything is OK on my end, but please feel free to reach out to me again if there’s anything else you need.

I really appreciate that you’re making sure I invoiced you properly. If I hadn’t done it a year ago, I would have definitely forgotten about it by now!

Kind regards,

Matthieu

We Win Every Time We Act in the Right Way

No matter the situation, it’s best to avoid acting impulsively. Instead, remain calm, give the other person the benefit of the doubt, be helpful and friendly. You might not always get the outcome you want, but you’ll set yourself up to succeed in the long term.

Reinforcing positive behavior. Regardless of the tone, the client was doing the right thing. Had I actually forgotten to invoice them, they could have let it slide and kept their money. They were making sure everyone got their due, and that should be rewarded. Doing so reduces the chances that the next person doesn’t have the same problem. And one day, you might be that next person.

Maintaining strong relationships. Even if you don’t see someone again, that should not be a reason to be rude. Replying to the email in the same tone would have escalated the situation. The client might have become defensive. Maybe they would avoid working with me again. They could spread the word that I’m bad for business. On the other hand, by maintaining a good relationship I’ll be increasing my chances for future work. Whether it’s with the same client, or by being referred to others.

Building good habits. If our goal is to improve ourselves, then that starts with improving our habits. Habits are developed through repetition. The more you practice de-escalation, being kind and forgiving, the easier it becomes. Until one day those behaviors become your default way of acting. One way to accomplish this is:

• Before reacting to any situation, think of the person you want to be. If you want to treat people better, ask yourself “What would a kind or generous person do in this situation?”

• Then, act accordingly. In Garcin’s case, although he wanted to be brave, that’s as far as he went. Your thoughts only count if you act on them.

It doesn’t cost much to put in a little extra effort and do the right thing. In the end, all it ‘cost’ me was 15 minutes of my time.

But the value I get from keeping positive relationships and building good habits is priceless.

Thanks very much for reading!

If you have any feedback, ideas, suggestions, things I can improve, anything at all, please let me know!

Heck, if there’s something I can help you with, I’ll try my best!

Leave a comment below, reply to my notes, join the subscriber chat, reach out on Reddit or Bluesky, or send an E-mail!

I’m always happy to keep in touch :)

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See ya next time!

Matthieu

Looking at the note above, it’s possibly one of the worst examples of ‘solving’ a workplace issue. You can’t fix problems by writing threats on a piece of paper. They might as well have pinned it to the door with a knife like in a Wild West movie, or as a landlord did to a tenet.

We can assume the purpose of the note was to ‘increase productivity’. Less time away from work means more time spent working, right? But often this type of thinking makes things worse: it destroys morale and productivity.

What’s a better way to address a workplace issue? And why does the way you deliver news matter?

Care Instead of Scolding

I don’t even work there, yet I feel demotivated and annoyed reading that note. I can imagine parents reading it would be livid.

Why does this type of message have such a negative effect?

One reason is that it puts the company ahead of the individual. No one wants to feel like a second priority. And a company that doesn’t care about it’s employees creates employees that don’t care about the company. Perpetuating a cycle of under-performance and punishment.

There are plenty of different approaches management can use. Caring about employee well-being is one of them. It’s not a surprise that when people feel cared for, they become more loyal and harder working. Even if someone misses a day at work, they might be more willing to catch up on the lost time.

Before taking any actions, you should put yourself in the other person’s position: What if you had an emergency? What if your child was sick? How would you feel if your boss told you that wasn’t a valid reason to miss work and they gave you a write-up? If that annoys you, it will annoy others.

Then think of a possible helpful or caring approach you could use. What would you appreciate in that moment? Perhaps:

• Given permission to take a few hours off

• Reached out to check if there’s anything you need

• Upon return being asked how your child is doing

• Offered a get-well-soon card with a piece of chocolate

• ….

Even small gestures can have a big impact.

Make the Delivery Personal

Many of our actions are guided by fear and social approval. It’s the reason being hateful on the internet is so easy, and why leaving notes is so tempting. You can do it anonymously without putting yourself in danger.

Seems like a win-win, but there’s a catch. Using notes, messages or emails to address sensitive topics creates larger problems in the long run:

Feelings of disrespect. The less personal you make the delivery, the less respectful it feels. Respect is easy to lose and hard to gain back.

Reluctance to listen. People are less likely to follow instructions from a piece of paper, or do so while dragging their feet.

Creates division. Feelings of us-vs-them, employees-vs-management leads to larger rifts, strained communication and less trust.

A much better way to handle issues is by meeting face to face. Although it feels terrifying, it’s the only way to have an honest discussion. Trying to navigate sensitive topics through writing creates room for error: nuance is missed, words are misinterpreted, and it’s easier to dismiss ideas when the other person isn’t there.

Feedback sessions unfortunately happen at predetermined times (if at all) and can be very one-directional (manager criticizing employees). So if you’re a manager, call an in-person meeting with the honest intention of trying to figure out what’s not working and how it can be improved:

1. Express why an issue (sick day use) is becoming concerning

2. Get the other person’s input on why it’s happening

3. Find a fair solution that works for both of you

Involving someone in the decision making process, especially when finding a solution, is a much more effective way to get them to stick to what was agreed upon.

Using the Motivational Tool: Righty-Tighty, Lefty-Loosey

Some of you might be thinking that caring and having open discussions will lead to people taking advantage of you. Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile. So the conventional approach would be to tighten the screws even harder.

But in my view, the tighter you make things, the worse people behave.

Maybe loosening the screws might have the effect you’re looking for.

Then you could proudly say: Go Team!

Thanks very much for reading!

If you have any feedback, ideas, suggestions, things I can improve, anything at all, please let me know!

Heck, if there’s something I can help you with, I’ll try my best!

Leave a comment below, reply to my notes, join the subscriber chat, reach out on Reddit or Bluesky, or send an E-mail!

I’m always happy to keep in touch :)

Please share this article if you enjoyed reading it!

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See ya next time!

Matthieu

As the match progressed through the second round, Putintseva was eventually down 4-2. Knowing that if she lost this round she’d lose the match, the pressure started to boil over. At that moment, a ballgirl approached with 3 balls in hand. She threw the first ball. Putintseva didn’t react. The ball bounced and hit her torso. Then came the second. Again, no reaction as the ball hit Putintseva’s foot. Then unsympathetically she caught the third, and lazily picked up the other 2 balls. The crowd was now booing.

Putintseva went on to lose the round, and the game, 6-3, 6-4.

Did this incident with the ballgirl cause her to lose the match? What can we learn about leveraging our behavior to succeed?

When Things Go Wrong, Be Extra Strong

At the Australian Open in 2020, Rafael Nadal took on Federico Delbonis. Whoever won this match would move onto the quarterfinals. Both players had high hopes of reaching the finals for a shot at winning the Australian Open title. On the third set while countering a strong serve from Delbonis, Nadal accidentally returned the ball directly into the face of a 13 year-old ballgirl waiting on the sidelines.

How did Nadal react? He immediately went to check on her.

He could have gotten angry. He could have thrown his hands in the air and thought, ‘Now I have to deal with this, it’s going to throw off my game!’. But he didn’t.

What makes this incident different from Putintseva’s? And why was being extra kind in that moment so important?

Because it can give an edge through positive feedback loops.

Look at what happens in Nadal’s situation. As he checks up on the girl, he’s got a big smile. The crowd cheers, and the girl shakes off the shock of the impact and smiles back. Even the commentators are cracking up. It’s a heartwarming moment for everyone.

Altruistic behavior stimulates dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin production in the brain, all of which improve mood, stress and motivation. So imagine how Nadal must have felt then and there. With these chemicals coursing through his system, he would have felt quite amazing. Maybe it provided the boost he needed, as he went on to win the match.

On the other hand, being upset can lead feedback loops to work against you.

Putintseva was frustrated at losing the first round and being behind on the second. So she (maybe unintentionally) acted mean to the ballgirl. The ballgirl reacted by keeping her arms open in a ‘what did I do?’ pose, while the crowd booed in the background. Those events might have had an impact on her, which could have led her to feel worse and perform worse.

Even in a separate match against Elena Rybakina in Madrid, Putintseva exhibited the same type of negative behavior. Although at times she was ahead, she got visibly angry after losing a point. She shook her racket in the air, hit the dirt and even hit herself, causing bruises to appear on her leg.

What were the results of that match? Another loss.

How did she take it? She smashed her racket on the floor...

In an interview with her opponent, Rybakina described how she used that to her advantage:

‘‘It was not easy to keep coming back and pushing through, but at 5-2, I already left all the emotions and frustrations to just keep playing. The momentum shifted, Yulia started to be a little bit more angry and some mistakes helped me. I'm really happy."

Her anger was an advantage to her opponent. It played a role in her loss.

Losing is difficult for a reason. It’s a mechanism to help push you forward. But if you don’t react in the right way, it can have the opposite effect. When something goes wrong and anger creeps in, the worst thing you can do is to give into those feelings. If you do, you’ll hurt the people around you. In turn, they will slowly but surely stop listening to you, do worse work, ignore you when they see you’re in a bad mood, will avoid delivering bad news and overall lose respect. You’ll be caught in a loop that will lead you to your own failure.

In those moments, no matter how hard it is, try to be strong. The best thing you can do is to behave in the opposite way that you feel. Be as kind and helpful as possible. Acting kindly motivates the people around you, which then motivates you. That might be enough to completely turn your mood around. The better you feel and the better you act, the more you’ll propel yourself and others in an upwards spiral.

Owning Up to Your Mistakes

Making mistakes is normal. Everyone screws up. No matter how good your intentions might be, sometimes you’re overwhelmed and emotions take over. But if you do make a mistake, it’s up to you to own up to it and repair the damage.

Following the match, Putintseva posted an apology on her Instagram:

‘‘I want to apologize to the ball girl for the way I was, when she way giving me the balls. Honestly speaking it was not about her. I was really pissed at my self by not winning the game from the breakpoint and then got empty with my emotions and deep in my thoughts, that I was not even focusing on whats going on and who gives me the ball. All the ball kids was doing amazing as always at the open”

What are you first impressions? Is she being genuine? Do you feel like forgiving her?

Although we can give her some credit for apologizing, to me it feels more like she’s giving excuses rather than a genuine apology. In fact, a lot of people in the comments see it as a PR stunt to help protect her image.

Unfortunately Putintseva’s is such a common type of apology: one that lacks real ownership and tries to deflect actions.

‘‘It was not about her.’’

‘‘I was really pissed at my self.’’

‘‘I was not even focusing on whats going on and who gives me the ball.’’

Rather than saying ‘‘What I did was wrong, no matter what’’, she’s trying to justify her behavior. In a way she’s saying that her actions don’t matter because they were not directed at the girl and she was emotional from losing. But just because you did not intentionally harm someone or that you were emotional during the moment does not absolve you of your actions.

After her initial apology caused additional online criticism, she doubled down on her position with another Instagram post:

‘‘I was not trying to humiliate her (or anyone) by not taking this ball that she was given to me. I didn’t do anything disrespectful to anyone at this particular moment. I do apologize, if this girl thinks that it was something towards her.’’

This apology is even worse. Now she’s saying what she did was not wrong or disrespectful. This is the exact opposite of taking ownership.

It would have been much better for her to simply say from the beginning: I screwed up. It doesn’t matter if I was losing or my emotions were high, I shouldn’t have acted that way towards the ball girl. I’m sorry.

The purpose of an apology is to recognize that you made a mistake, make amends with the other person, and eventually learn and grow from the experience.

Apologies lead to forgiveness and stronger bonds. But the way you do it matters, and doing it wrong can have the opposite outcome. Using apologies as a Get Out of Jail Free Card (which seems to be the way a lot of people use them) will lead to people not believing you and losing trust in what you say over the long term.

Even worse is not apologizing altogether. It affects your image, how people support you, and whether they trust you. You might still be able to move forward in your career without ever apologizing, but a very heavy anchor will be dragging you down every step of the way.

How to Leverage Your Behavior for Success

Was the incident with the ballgirl the single defining moment causing Putintseva to lose the match? Probably not, but it certainly didn’t help.

Such events might not be enough to cause make-or-break moments. But in the long term, your habits and behaviors will have an impact on your trajectory.

It doesn’t matter how famous or important you are. You could be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, A-List movie star, a parent or a classroom teacher. Never give into your anger. And certainly never take your anger out on others.

If you do, no one will listen to you, follow you or respect you. You’ll end up causing long term damage to your reputation, which will be very difficult to repair.

Instead, there are better ways to react to a loss. We can use Yulia Putintseva’s story as the example.

Acting appropriately in the moment

Putintseva, are you losing the match? Be extra kind and helpful to the ballgirl. Run up to her, take the balls directly from her hand. Ask her how she’s doing. Jokingly say ‘‘Ugh I’m so mad, I’m really behind right now’’. Give her a big smile. Say thank you. Shake her hand.

Notice how your mood will shift.

You’ll feel lighter on your feet.

Maybe, you’ll get the edge to win the match.

Apologizing in the right way

Putintseva, you didn’t have the capacity to react in the way described above? That’s fine, it’s very difficult in the moment. But if you messed up, you have to do something about it. You have to give a real apology.

So here’s one you can use:

‘‘I want to apologize to the ball girl for the way I was, when she was giving me the balls. No matter how pissed I was at myself, that I was filled with emotions or stuck in my thoughts, that’s absolutely not a reason to take out my frustrations on someone else. I was not focused on who was giving me the ball and unfortunately I took my anger out on you. I should have snapped out of it. You were doing an amazing job, as were all the ball kids, and I hope this doesn’t affect the way you do your job or how you see us players. I hope you can forgive my actions. I will try to do my best to react better next time.’’

Although an apology is a good start, what’s even better is an act of restitution. Words can be easy and cheap, but actions always have a stronger impact.

If possible, you could meet with the ballgirl in person. Maybe give her a signed ball from the match as a reminder that, ‘I screwed up with this ball, I hope neither of us forgets’. And even better, ask for the same ball girl to be present at the next match.

Who knows how acting in this way might influence your career?

If you (the reader and maybe even Yulia Putintseva) learn from these two points, I believe it will help your success in the long term.

Being kind and helpful to coworkers, friends, family in difficult times is what really makes the difference. You’ll cement yourself as a strong figure, worth listening to and following.

And if you do occasionally mess up, admit your mistake and own up to your actions. People will come to trust you more, believe when you tell the truth, and expect you to acknowledge when you fail. It will lead to greater success for you and everyone around you.

*In her second apology, Putintseva does end by saying she is ‘‘trying to make something special for [Kate].’’

Thanks very much for reading!

If you have any feedback, ideas, suggestions, things I can improve, anything at all, please let me know!

Heck, if there’s something I can help you with, I’ll try my best!

Leave a comment below, reply to my notes, join the subscriber chat, reach out on Reddit or Bluesky, or send an E-mail!

I’m always happy to keep in touch :)

Please share this article if you enjoyed reading it!

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See ya next time!

Matthieu

‘‘You get the alert, and you have an immediate sense of anxiety. Someone’s going to do harm to me.’’

The intruder? A 4-year-old kid riding a bike on his driveway.

Every evening, Dave got another alert. And every time he checked, it was the same kid on his bike. Day after day. At first he was annoyed, but then inspiration struck. With the help of his wife, he devised a way to deal with the situation. Soon he found himself looking forward to the security alerts, and they quickly became the best part of his summer.

How did he turn things around? And what can we learn about getting the outcome we want without even saying a word?

How to Deal with Kids Playing on Your Driveway

After creating his master plan, Dave decided it was time to put it into action. One evening he grabbed some chalk, headed over to his driveway and started drawing. But did he write KEEP OFF in bold letters?

‘‘It is always this same kid just tearing it up on the flat concrete. Something needed to be done. So I built him a racetrack!’’

All over his driveway, Dave drew a playful racetrack with twists and turns. Then he waited. As the next day came along, the same kid passes by. But this time upon arrival, he slowed down. He was confused by what was in front of him. Now at a full stop, he took a long and curious look. Noticing the hesitation, his mom pointed to the start area. In a flash the kid was off to do a few laps around the track, filled with excitement.

Why is this story so important?

Because it’s a great example that you can get what you want, without saying anything, while doing something nice at the same time.

Although the homeowner decided to draw a track around his entire driveway, he could have also drawn it only on the areas he didn’t mind the kid riding. He could have then drawn big X’s or fire with the caption ‘Danger Zone’ as a fun way to signal where the kid shouldn’t go.

It’s a very simple and effective solution. But unfortunately people rarely react that way. So when it does happen, it turns into a viral video.

Love Thy Neighbor

Unfortunately, hostility is the most common reaction to such a situation. Even the homeowner admits he was annoyed at first. Going through the comments on the video, that’s what the viewers expected as well:

‘‘What I was expecting: I set up an auto sprinkler.”

‘‘This caught me off-guard I thought dude was gonna yell at the kid.’’

‘‘Something needed to be done... Me: Put a gate.’’

‘‘Not gonna lie, when it said ‘‘Something needed to be done’’ I thought he was gonna have something pop out and scare the sh*t outta this kid.’’

Although it’s nice that most people were pleasantly surprised by the homeowner’s actions, it shows that our default way of thinking is retaliation. In fact, it’s not uncommon for people’s first reactions to be so hostile, as can be seen in this news story about a neighbor calling the police because kids were playing in their own yard.

What’s the outcome when we do decide to retaliate?

Worst case, you become internet-famous for being the jerk who called the police on kids playing on their own trampoline.

In a more typical case, you create a hostile environment. You make the parents aggressive, you traumatize an innocent kid, and you end up frustrating yourself even further.

As a result, you’re not going to get what you want, and you’ll be faced with uncooperative and unfriendly neighbors.

So rather than thinking of putting up a barrier or turning on the sprinklers, try to find a peaceful way to handle the situation. By doing so you’ll get what you want, make a kid happy, and the parents will appreciate you as their neighbor. As the boy’s father, Josh, puts it:

‘‘It’s been amazing […] that we can be a part of something like that. That we can see the good side of humanity. Feels good.’’

Do Good Things and Good Things Will Happen to You

‘‘Your home is now the most protected one in your neighborhood’’

That’s how one commenter puts it, and it does a great job of summarizing the whole idea.

Who would help if you are a hostile person? No one.

What if you are always friendly? My bet is that most people would.

Of course you shouldn’t just act nice because you expect favors in return. But if you ever did need legitimate help, you can count on more people to have your back. Sometimes you’ll be rewarded with small but wholesome gestures. Which is what happened to Dave.

‘‘He's a super sweet kid. After a rain storm had washed the track away, I came out and he was drawing on my driveway with chalk. So I asked him what he was doing. He said: I'm drawing a racetrack for you.’’

If you do good things to people, they’re likely to return the favor by doing something good to you. Sometimes not, but it never makes things worse. Either way, you should still try to do the right thing.

After all of this, if Dave asked the kid or his parents not to do something, do you think they would listen to him?

Choosing the Silent Solution

Next time you find yourself getting upset at someone or something, try this:

• Think back to the video. Just like you and me, Dave was annoyed with the kid. It’s a natural first reaction, but we don’t have to act on our thoughts or emotions.

• Then ask yourself: is there a way I can peacefully solve this? Is there a win-win solution? Dave could have put up a fence or yelled at the kid. But he didn’t, he thought of a creative solution. Is there a creative solution to your problem?

• If nothing works, then you can always try a stronger approach. But leave that until the end, there are plenty of other things you can try first before escalating.

If you choose to immediately escalate, you’ll just make everything worse. You’ll make the parents act aggressively, the kid might choose to get back at you later, you’ll frustrate yourself to no end. No one will listen to you or do want you want. You’ll always lose.

So try something different. Try Dave’s approach.

You can use silent actions to not only get what you want, but also leave a positive impact.

As one commenter wrote:

‘‘Kid having some innocent fun on your property:

Option 1: Get annoyed

Option 2: Be wholesome’’

Choose option 2.

Be wholesome.

Thanks very much for reading!

If you have any feedback, ideas, suggestions, things I can improve, anything at all, please let me know!

Heck, if there’s something I can help you with, I’ll try my best!

Leave a comment below, reply to my notes, join the subscriber chat, reach out on Reddit or Bluesky, or send an E-mail!

I’m always happy to keep in touch :)

Please share this article if you enjoyed reading it!

Share

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See ya next time!

Matthieu

Time after time, the packages he received were being damaged or destroyed. Not knowing where things were going wrong, he started gathering footage from his doorbell camera.

In the video below, you can see driver after driver angrily throwing packages or aggressively stuffing them into the box on the front porch.

The reason why the video is surprising is not because of the delivery driver’s actions, but because of how the homeowner reacted. Like most viewers, he was angry at the situation, and you would expect him to retaliate. But instead he decided to do something different. He tried compassion.

In the end he got what he wanted: his packages delivered without a scratch.

What can we learn from his actions, to not only get what we want, but also help people along the way?

Instead of Retaliating, Fight Fire with Water. Literally.

‘‘I’ve been having issues with UPS throwing my packages. So I decided to go get some ice, get some water, get some crackers. Since it’s hot, they’re probably frustrated.’’

In the video, the homeowner (known as OrangeKing26) can be seen preparing water and snacks along with a thank you note on the lid of the cooler, which he then places outside on his front porch. As delivery drivers come and go, they take greater care handling the packages, and are surprisingly gentle with the snack box itself. A few even said thank you to doorbell camera.

Some people see this as a model of human kindness. Others, not so much. If you belong to the latter group you might be thinking: but isn’t this their job? You shouldn’t have to bribe them!

Look at it this way: have you ever been frustrated at your job and did things poorly? Maybe you didn’t throw your computer on the floor (hopefully), but I bet on several occasions you’ve pounded your hands down on your desk. I know I have.

Before we judge the delivery drivers in the video, let’s try to put ourselves in their shoes. Working for a delivery company is quite stressful. You have a tight schedule, with little time for breaks to drink or even use the bathroom (another news story brought to light how delivery drivers were resorting to peeing in water bottles due to their lack of break time). On top of all that, you’re getting in and out of a truck, carrying heavy boxes in hot weather.

Who wouldn’t feel frustrated?

If you were in that position, imagine what would turn your mood around? Surely a cold drink and a bit of appreciation wouldn’t hurt.

How does this approach help you or the homeowner? It all ties into the concept of ‘reciprocal altruism’: when an altruistic act now can lead to the repayment of an altruistic act in the future.

The idea here is that even if something isn’t your job, small actions can have big outcomes. In this case, a few bottles of water aren’t a huge effort on your part, but you might have made someone’s day better.

And most importantly, it will increase the chances that they will return the favor. Without even asking them to do so, you can get want you want. Most people will do the right thing, sometimes all they need is a subtle nudge.

Why You Should Always De-escalate

What if you want to complain to UPS, or ambush the driver next time they showed up. What would that achieve?

Short answer, it always makes things worse.

Let’s compare both scenarios to understand why.

The easiest option would be to complain to UPS directly. It’s quick, you don’t have to confront the driver directly, and they wouldn’t know it was you. Following your complaint, the driver might get a warning, a suspension or even fired. What does that accomplish? Most likely the driver is going to be even more bitter, and do their job worse.

Yes it’s a company’s duty to address such issues. It’s their role to train employees, to delicately handle and improve these situations. But it’s rarely ever done correctly. Most of the time, a company’s reaction is the same as yours: punishment. But all that does is create a loop:

You’re annoyed → You complain → Employee is punished → They do a worse job

Rinse and repeat.

On the other hand, you can confront the driver directly. Give them a piece of your mind. Now you’re fighting fire with fuel. The driver is already angry and frustrated (hence the package throwing), and adding your aggression to the mix will only be explosive. The more you argue, the more both of your will get in each other’s faces and things will spiral out of control. Ever wonder how people in those fighting videos on YouTube got there? This is how.

Aside from the confrontation, that person now knows who you are and where you live. There’s a saying that goes ‘‘Don’t piss off the person who handles your food’’, because if you do they might spit in it… In this case, if that driver is on your route again, maybe they’ll ‘forget’ your package, or it might be ‘mysteriously’ even more damaged.

How can we break out of this negative loop? What can we do to have a more effective outcome?

First of all, I generally wouldn’t recommend immediately going over someone’s head. Of course, there are clear situations (theft, assault, crime) where you should. But complaining to the manager rarely works.

If you want to or have to confront someone directly, key word is: de-escalation: reducing the severity of the situation.

• Be friendly. Start off with a quick friendly conversation. A lot of public facing workers get mistreated, so being polite can help take the edge off.

• Offer help. Ask if there’s anything you can help with. Offer a glass of water. Being helpful will intuitively allow the other person to understand your intentions.

• Don’t accuse. If you immediately start pointing fingers, people tend to get defensive. Ask without accusing: ‘‘Do you know why/how the packages arrive damaged?’’ People are more likely to cooperate if they’re not the ones put on trial.

• Be understanding. ‘‘I know it’s a hot day, but can I ask you for a favor?’’ Acknowledging someone’s difficulties and asking (rather than demanding) a change will make the other person more receptive to what you’re saying.

This approach might not always work. Some people are just mean and want to stay mean. You can’t do anything for that type of person anyways.

But sometimes it will work. When it does, you won’t get angry and neither will the person in front of you. They’ll also remember you as ‘that nice person’ and are more likely to be mindful the next time they come around.

Don’t React, Act

Fighting back is easy. It’s one of our 3 basic primal responses, Fight, Flight or Freeze.

However, resisting the urge to fight is what’s hard. That’s why it’s so important and rewarding.

What’s a better way to handle a difficult situation with another person?

Rather than reacting (with fighting), act (with compassion).

• Delivery driver throwing packages?

  React – Call UPS or berate the driver

  Act – Leave bottles of cold water and be friendly

• Server at restaurant brings you the wrong food?

  React – Call them incompetent and threaten to not leave a tip

  Act – Politely say: ‘‘I know you must be swamped, but this isn’t what I ordered’’

  (This might be considered odd, but I also clear the table and stack my plates neatly on top of each other so the server can easily take them away)

• Neighborhood kids riding their bikes on your driveway?

  React – Put up fence or call their parents

  Act – Draw chalk racetrack to divert them

You might eventually get your way by being forceful, but it will suck the energy out of you and everyone around you.

The much better approach is to take the extra step, even when it’s not your responsibility. Being a good person (and a good leader) is about keeping calm and doing the right thing, which is exactly what the homeowner in the video does. He’s taking the harder route, by being compassionate and helpful.

The result?

He gets the outcome he’s looking for, without telling anyone what to do, while helping the people around him.

Thanks very much for reading!

If you have any feedback, ideas, suggestions, things I can improve, anything at all, please let me know!

Heck, if there’s something I can help you with, I’ll try my best!

Leave a comment below, reply to my notes, join the subscriber chat, reach out on Reddit or Bluesky, or send an E-mail!

I’m always happy to keep in touch :)

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See ya next time!

Matthieu